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I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either. · I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. · Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? · I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. · Someday you'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. · There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. · Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. · Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. · Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. · I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. · Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" · My Reality Check bounced. · On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. · I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. · You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. · Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< > Subject: Gravy Ladle > > > > > > > > John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of John's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she > started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mike and I are just roommates." About a week later, Mike came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mike, and I'm not saying that you 'don't' sleep with Mike. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< There was a little girl who happened to walk in on her mother and father having sex. Not wanting to interrupt, she sat there quietly, and watched as her mother gave her father a blow job. Later on, she says to her mother, "Mommy, I saw what you were doing with daddy earlier. Is that how you get babies?" The mother turned to her daughter and said, "No honey, that's how you get jewelry!" <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Q. What is the difference between Bill Clinton and a screwdriver? A. A screwdriver turns in screws, and Bill Clinton, well, he screws interns. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the waitress asks for his order, he says "I want a quickie" She slaps his face and asks, "Now would you please give me your order?" Again, he says, " I want a quickie" She slaps him again and says, " I'll give you one last chance, what do you want?" Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Q. What similarities do a hooker and a bungie jump have? A. A quick ride for fifty bucks and if the rubber breaks your DEAD! 5<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog's privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly. A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, "You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog's neck." The boy nodded in agreement and said, "But then there wouldn't be a siren." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Q. Do you know what a woman's asshole is doing when she is having the best orgasm of her life? A. He's watching TV. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< A son called his father from boot camp. He had just made his first parachute jump and wanted to tell his father all about it. "I froze at the door dad, I just couldn't jump. The big Jumpmaster sargent said if I didn't jump, he was going to fuck me in the ass." His father was very sympathetic, being an old soldier himself and said, "So did you jump?" His son replied," well yea at first." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Mary had a little sheep, and with that sheep she went to sleep. The sheep turned out to be a ram; Mary had a little lamb. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< The Blonde and the Lawyer: A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appeared in their mirror, obviously wanting them to pull over. The man pulls over, and the officer approaches the car. State cop: "License and registration please." Man: "I'm sorry officer, what seems to be the problem?" State cop: "I clocked you on radar doing 75mph." Man: "There must be some mistake, I was only going 65." Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!" State cop: "I'm also citing you for having a tail light out." Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out.": "Oh Harold, you know it's been out for two months." State cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car." Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt." Man: "Listen you dumb *&^%$, shut your !@#$' mouth!!!" State cop: "Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?" Wife: "Only when he's drunk......."
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<< >WHAT AM I? > >>
THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. > IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES >SLOWLY, >> SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING >WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS. >> >> >> >> WHAT AM I??????? >> >> >> >> AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN
YOUR VERY OWN.......... >> >> >> >> >>
>
>>> >> >>
>> >>......
.....TOOTHBRUSH......... >> >> >> >> what were you thinking? >
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Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist? He sold his soul to Santa.
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ever wonder.... If a bus station is where a bus stops, a train station is where a train stops... on my desk I have a work station...so...shouldn't the work stop? Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? Does fuzzy logic tickle? If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery? How come you never hear about gruntled employees? If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what exactly is a fog horn made out of? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? What WAS the best thing before sliced bread? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Is the opposite of something... nothing? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe isexpanding, what is it expanding into? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? Why is it that if you tell someone that there are 400 billion stars, they'll believe you... but if you tell someone it's wet paint, they have to touch it? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done? If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Q: What is the definition of confusion?
A: Seven blind lesbians in a fish market. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Why does the law prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent
clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's
all right now. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want. I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A father was concerned that his daughter hadn't revealed her heart condition to his future son-in-law. The first chance he had for a private chat, he asked his son-in-law to be if he knew that his Daughter had Acute Angina. "Sure," Mike responded, "and her tits ain't bad either." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<:::::::::::
: Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke... Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage... Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, "What a Pollack." The Polish man said, "I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid." "Probably, " replied the clerk. "And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?" "Probably," the clerk again replied. "Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have to insult everybody not like you?" At this, the clerk replied, "Because this is a HARDWARE store, you fucking MORON !! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> USA, Palo Alto, CA (AP) -- "Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
NEW JOKES
8/25/2001
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?" "Well, I see thousands of stars," said Watson. "And what does that mean to you?" Sherlock inquired. "Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, Watson, it means someone has stolen our tent." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Caught napping-- 15 Things You Can Say These should work!! The 15 best things to say if caught napping at your desk. 15."They told me at blood bank this might happen." 14."This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about the last time managment course you sent me to." 13."Whew! Guess I left the top off the white-out!" 12."I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm. 11."This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!" 10."I was testing the key board for drool resistnance. 9."Actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan'(SLEEP)." 8."I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-relatedstress. Are you discriminating againts people who practice Yoga?" 7."Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 6."The coffee machine is broke." 5."Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot." 4."Boy that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off." 3."Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!" 2."Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands." AND: the#1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk: 1."Amen." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So, what do you want from me, sympathy?" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> There was this guy in a bar having a drink and looking really glum. The Bartender asked what was wrong. The man said, "I had a fight with my wife, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month." The bartender said, "That should make you happy." The man said, "No, you see...the month is up today!" <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Q: How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking? A: Slow down and use lubrication. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> IRISH JOKE >> The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at >> thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the >> Pope out of the corner of her mouth "I bet you ten pounds that I can >> make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my >> hand." >> >> The Pope says "No way. You can't do that." >> The Queen says, "Watch this". >> So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes >> crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, >> basically going ballistic. >> So the Pope is standing there thinking "Uh oh, what am I going to do? >> I never thought she'd be able to do it." >> >> So after a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can >> make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for >> the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." >> >> The Queen goes "No way, it can't be done." >> So the Pope headbutts her. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her a month to realize she could play it at night. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< What happened to the blonde ice hockey team? They drowned in Spring training. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<< Little Eddie is walking down the hall at school talking to his friends. Suddenly, the topic of conversation turns to dicks. "My dad has two penises." Eddie tells his buddies. "Man, you're full of shit. You can't have two penises. That's impossible," replies Eddie's friend John. "No, really...it's true. He has a little one that he uses to go to the bathroom, and he has a big one that he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language. "That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic > light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop > says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to > you?" > The Kid says, "Yeah." > The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light > on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 > bicycle safety violation ticket. > > The kid takes the ticket and BEFORE he rides off says, "By the > way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" > Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." > The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick > underneath the horse, instead of on the top." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Three Iranians and their dog leave their apartment looking for odd jobs in order to pay their bills. At the end of the day they come home and meet their landlord sitting on his porch. The landlord says, "What's the deal with your dog? He's all covered with mud." One of the Iranians says, "We found work today doing some landscaping." The next night the three Iranians and their dog come home and the dog is covered with sawdust. The landlord says, "What's the deal with your dog tonight?" One of the Iranians says, "We found work today doing some carpentry." The next night they get out of their truck and the dog stumbles out behind them, bleeding from its ass, whimpering, and staggering all over the yard. The landlord says, "What in the Hell did you guys do at work today?" One of the Iranians says, "Work? Today was our day off." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
This old man went to a whore house and said to the Manager that he wanted something different. So She sent him to room 69. He got there and this woman name Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began to work wonders. Then all of a sudden she pissed on his stomach. He jumped and said "What the hell was that." She replied "That is the cooling rain falling all over you." So they continued at it again. Then she farted in his face. He replied "What the HELL was that." She again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing." Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed. Hurricane Sally asked, "Where are you going." The man replied, "Hell a man cant f*ck in this kind of weather!" <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. One morning, the husband came back from fishing after getting up really early that morning and took a nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out a short distance from shore, anchored the boat and started reading a book she had brought with her. Along comes the sheriff in his boat -- pulls up alongside and asks, "What are you doing out here?" She replies, "I'm just reading a book." "Well, ma'am, this is a restricted area," he says. Then, he sees all the fishing equipment in the boat and continues, "You can't fish here, ma'am." To which she replies, "I'm not fishing. I'm merely sitting here reading my book." "But you have all this equipment, I will have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that I will charge you with rape." "Why...I didnt even touch you." "No, you haven't, but you have all the equipment..." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<############## Actual Bumper Stickers > > The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. > > The more people I meet, the more I like my dog. One of my personal > favorites. > > Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. > > A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. > > There's too much blood in my alcohol system. > > I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. > > WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. > > You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me. > > BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. > > I got a gun for my wife...best trade I ever made. > > So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute?! > > I don't care, I don't have to. > > Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. > > Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. > > To all you virgins, thanks for nothing. > > I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing. > > Horn broken, watch for finger. > > All men are idiots ... I married their king. > > My kid had sex with your honor student. > > This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way. > > If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished. > > Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now. > > I'm just driving this way to piss you off. > > Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. > > Prevent inbreeding: ban country music. > > Hang up and drive. > > Montana - At least our cows are sane! > > God must love stupid people, he made so many. > > I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen. > > It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you. > > I took an IQ test and the results were negative. > > I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself. > > Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your your drink. > > I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. > > Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. << >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >There was a blond, a brunette, and a redhead that were trying out for a >new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets. First they >called the brunette in and asked her a question. "If you could go to any >planet, what planet would you want to go to and why? > >After pondering the question she answered, "I would like to go to Mars >because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible >extra terrestrial life on the planet." They said, "Well okay, thank you." >And told her that they would get back to her. > >Next the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same >question. In reply she said, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of >its rings." Also saying, thank you and that they would get back to her. > >Next the blond entered the room and they asked her the same question that >they asked the brunette and the redhead. "What planet would you like to go >to?" She thought for a while and replied, "I would like to go to the >sun." The people from NASA replied, "Why? don't you know that if you went >to the sun you would burn to death?" The blond smirked and put her hands >on her hips. "Oh, duh...I'd go at night." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says what any of us would say... He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.' And I said, 'No shit.'" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> LITTLE JOHNNY A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the fuck do you think?" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Three gay guys are talking at a wake. The first guy says, "After he's cremated, I'd like to toss his ashes off a boat, because we had such fun sailing." The second guy says, "I'd like to spread his ashes on my garden, because he so loved when I brought him flowers." The third guy says, "I'd like to sprinkle his ashes on some hot chile so he could tear my asshole apart one last time." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Q: How is a woman like a hurricane? A: When they come, they're loud and wet, and when they leave, they take your house and car. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Roberts is out in the country with his new bride. They watch as a bull comes over the rise and bangs six cows in a row, one after the other. His wife says, "It's a shame a man can't perform like that." He says, "We could, if we got to change cows every time." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, orange...he's got got feather earrings, and he sees the guy staring at him. He says, "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?" The old guy says, "Yeah. I f*cked a parrot, once. I thought maybe you were my kid." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
man takes his elderly father to a rest home. The first night, one of the nurses walks into his room, sees he has an erection, whips off her panties and jumps on top. The son calls up a few days later, and the old man says, "This place is terrific. A nurse saw me aroused and made love to me." The next day the guy trips and falls. One of the male nurses sees him lying there with his hospital gown hiked up, yanks out his crank, and fucks him in the ass. A few days later when the son calls to talk to him, he tells him his new story. Then he says, "So you've got to get me out of here. I only get a hardon once a year, but I fall down all the time." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.' The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand. He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house". >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> There's two statues in the park, a male statue, and a female statue, and they're both stark naked. For thousands of years they've been staring at each other. One day, a miracle brings them to life for an hour. The male statue says, "Do you wanna do what I wanna do?" The female statue says, "Oh, yeah." They run into the woods. Twenty minutes later they come running back out, sweating and panting. He says, "Let's rest up awhile, and then go do it again." She says, "All right. Only this time, you hold the pigeons and I'll shit on 'em." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question." The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home." Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first. The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go." Johnny was even madder than before. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also leave." Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to any of the questions. Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead attorney in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A couple is making out in a secluded spot in the middle of the night, and after a bit, the girl sighs, "I wish you had a flashlight." "Why?" he asks. She replies, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new panties. The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red crotchless panties. Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come home. When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on. She said, "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?" Grandpa said, "Lord no, it done ate a hole in your panties..." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A guy walks into his doctor's office and hands him a note that says, "I can't talk, please help me." The doctor says, "Put your penis on the table." The guy takes out his penis, and after he puts it on the table, the doctor takes a rubber mallet and smacks it. The guy goes, "Aaaa!" The doctor says, "Very good. Come back tomorrow and we'll start on the b's." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A guy walks into a diner and asks for a bowl of chili. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl." So, he gets a cup of coffee instead. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"other guy says, "No. You can have it." The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too." <><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< A guy walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks, "Can I help you?" The duck replies, "Yeah, get this guy off my ass!" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A man was constipated. It was serious, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor said "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll put one in now and I'll give you another one for later." The man goes home and starts feeling sick again. He asks has his wife to put a suppository in. She puts one hand on his shoulder and sticks the suppository in. "AAAAAAAHHHHH!" he screamed. His wife asks him, "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" "No, I just realized that the doctor had both of his hands on my shoulders!" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A 54-year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads: Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year old secretary. When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year old boy toy. Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< A just-married couple's on a plane on the way to their honeymoon. The wife turns to her new husband and says, "Honey, how will I let you know at night when I want to have sex?" He says, "Simple. Any night you want to have sex, reach over and tug on my dick. And any night you don't want to have sex, tug on it about three hundred and fifty times." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Right after being ejaculated, one sperm asked another, "How long will it be until we reach the ovaries?" The other replied, "Just relax and enjoy the swim. We haven't even passed the tonsils yet." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says what any of us would say... He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, 'I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.' And I said, 'No shit.'" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Q: How is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< There are two gay men living together. One morning one of them wakes up and hears strangesounds coming from the bathroom. He walks in only to see his partner jacking off with a condom on. Surprised, he asks, "What the hell are you doing?" His partner replies "Oh, I was just packing your lunch." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> There's a drunk at one end of a bar, and a woman in a tight low-cut black dress at the other end of the bar.The woman is waving feverishly for the bartender, and she has an incredibly hairy armpit. The drunk yells out, "Give me a drink, and give a drink to the ballerina at the other end." The bartender says, "How do you know she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Who else could get her leg up that high?" <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A doctor is doing routine breast examinations at a college. The first girl comes in, takes off her blouse and as she does, the doctor notices that the girl has a red 'H' imprinted in her stomach. After the examination, the doctor asks the girl how it came about. "Well," she says, "my boyfriend is from Harvard, and he's so proud of the school that he never takes off his Harvard jumper, even when we make love." 'Fair enough' thinks the doctor as the girl leaves. But the doctor is surprised when the next girl takes off her blouse and has the same thing, except hers is a red 'Y'. Again the doctor asks how it came about. "Well," she says, "my boyfriend goes to Yale, and he's so proud of the school that he never takes off his Yale jumper, even when we make love." The doctor is fascinated by this. The next girl enters, takes off her blouse and the doctor sees that on her stomach is a red 'M'. "Ah," says the doctor, "a boyfriend in Michigan?" "No," replies the girl "a girlfriend in Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, "You have to take a Breathalyzer test." The guy says, "I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit." The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test." The guy says, "You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place." The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line." The guy says, "I can't." The cop says, "Why not?" The guy says, "Because I'm drunk. Didn't you see the way I was driving, you asshole?" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything." The doctor examines her, and then says, "You need an operation." She asks, "On my vagina?" He says, "No. On your nose." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A Lawyer, a Priest, and a Social worker are on a sinking ship. Social Worker: "Save the children! Save the children!" Lawyer: "Oh, F*ck the children!" Priest: "Oooh! Do you think we have time?" <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Q: What can lifesavers do that men can't
? A: Come in eight flavors. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A hippie goes into a restaurant and orders a milkshake. He says, "Not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove man, in the groove." The cook hears it and gets a little annoyed, but sends out the milkshake anyway. Then the hippie orders some fries, and says, "Not too crisp, not too soft, but in the groove, man, in the groove." Now the cook is really pissed off, but he makes the fries. Then the hippie orders a hamburger, and says, "Not too big, not too small, but in the groove, man, in the groove." The cook storms out to the guy, pulls down his pants, turns around and bends over, and says, "You can just kiss my ass, man...not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove, man, in the groove." <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A guy finds a magic lamp on the beach. The genie informs him that he gets three wishes, but whatever he gets his ex-wife gets twice as much. "How about $1,000,000?" he asked. "Your ex-wife now has $2,000,000 in her account as well," said the genie. "I've always wanted a Benz, how about that?" "Your wife now has two of those cars." For the last wish he had to think for a minute, "...could you beat me half to death?" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A man walks into a bank, walks up to a teller window and snarls, "I want to open a F*CKING checking account." "I beg your pardon, sir?", the startled female teller replied. "Listen, DAMN IT, I said I want to open a F*CKING checking account." "I'm sorry, sir, but I can't help you if your going to talk like that." She left the window, walked over to the bank manager and whispered in his ear. The two returned and the manager asked stiffly, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no GOD DAMN problem!" the man insisted. "I just won ten million dollars in the lottery, and I want to open a FUCKING checking account!" "I see sir," the manager quickly replied, "and this BITCH here is giving you a hard time, is she?" <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant
. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >
Subject: Upgrading Girlfriend 1.0
Tech Support Request >Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Nightout 10.3 and Fishingtrip 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but >un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?> > >This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disasterious. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download simular products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with >the situation. > >Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. >Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0 * Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD >* Frequently use Communicator 5.0 * Tech Support > >Received from Fonda Moore. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Q. Do you know what an Australian kiss is?
A. It's like a French kiss, but down under. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Back in the Garden of Eden, Adam stayed out very late for a few nights. Eve was very suspicious, and became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Q: Why can't Ken and Barbie have kids?
A: Ken comes in a different box. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A. The hooker will stop screwing you when you're dead. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Q. What's the difference between a New York City taxi and an elephant?
A. The elephant has the trunk in the front and the asshole in the back >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from. <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married ten years and wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. "Sir," she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share with someone or I'll bust." She told him the news that she was pregnant. The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and had problems with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the henhouse one morning and all his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy, he added "but confidentially, I changed cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
